Rescue me

You know sometimes I find it hard to breathe and I drown in my own sleep cause hate crashes over me in ways that even scare me. I miss my kids I miss them terribly I sometimes wonder how I make it from day to day, I look back to the past and at various things that have transpired and my mind casts me back to a time in October last year when I was locked away from the outside world because I was a danger to myself and everyone around me, that time period was one of the darkest places I've ever been to and I think back to what put me there, and the answer is simple........myself and all over the pain of loosing my son. I dont know why I do it cause to the outside world I seem tough as nails but inside I'm hurting and I'm hurting bad. Sometimes I wonder how fathers can turn their backs on their own flesh and blood cause I can't do it, no matter how much I try to let go I just can't do it but I am ok I have my moments when I look at my daughters photo on the main screen of my Facebook page, and through out my computer and all through my phone and all I do I weep inside, but I have found interests and other people who distract me enough to take my mind off the past in particular this one girl I've met, very different from anyone I've ever come across before. Cultured, intelligent and switched on. I've been spending a lot of time with her lately and it helps me a lot so I thank her deeply for that but as I'm aware all good things come to an end and I wonder what I will search for next in my life. This whole fire fighting thing I'm starting I'm hoping will fill a big void in my life, give me a sense of belonging and hope through helping others. You all think how sad is this talking bout this but I can't help it I have been the recipient of so much pain and heartache but I to have also caused so much too, I am no angel actually far from it. A good mate of mine today asked me if after my 2 years are over do I intend on returning back to that place I once called home and after a bit of thought I turn back to him and said no! That's a big call to say that but I don't know but something inside of me is compelling me to seek a higher calling to make good on all bad things done in the past. I knew my journey was not yet complete actually far from it. My new friend surprises me everyday and I can see myself staying near by as I value her friendship but I wonder if this place will be the place to settle down but continue my journey of learning and growth or will it take me to further reaches of this country or world, I like this girl a lot and who knows what will happen next, I know I certainly don't but until that day comes or if it will I hope someone will rescue me

A new revelation dawns

I been round between states a fair bit the last 2 months and I'll tell you what my god have I seen some sites and heard some stories, met some truly inspirational people and also some not so truly inspirational people but all in all it's been a great ride. Now reality has set it self in stone properly now and this is my new home and will be for a long time, now rewind the clock back to feb 13 2011 and hey that was only 3 months ago I still had a misses, kids, house the lot and ain't it funny how quickly things change hey. My journeys around the place has also has given me a Lot of insight into the inner workings of the human mind, and what makes it tick and more so how to solve complex issues. Take this story I'm bout to tell you, bout 2 weeks ago I met a bloke on the east coast who was going through a really hard time, he was a recovering junkie and I would say a few cans short of a 6 pack but no matter his lifestyle choice I sat down with him and listened to his problem, it goes a little something like this. He had a daughter to a woman he didn't think to highly of and she had fled to another state, and yes as I was hearing this I thought wow this sounds familiar but anyways back to my story he was on the phone to his ex and she was telling him how much of a dead beat dad he was and how he would never see his daughter again and this bloke flipped his lid and started abusing her on the phone saying he was going to kill her then get a shot of smack and OD on it and I just sat back listening to this and thinking how fucked the world can sometimes be but I looked at the situation and pulled him aside and he was a blubbering mess and to think it was wasn't that long ago I was like that, yes I know you all remember anyways barely knowing this bloke I calmed him down and gave him some positive influence and guided him in a direction to get his daughter back and to do it the right way without involving guns and bullets I don't know if my talk with him worked as I never saw him again but even if only 5 minutes of my insight helped then I know my job is complete and another story I can tell you I met a truly inspirational woman but she to has a past that she needs to deal with and yes it may be slightly colorful but when I look at this woman I see an emotional scared young woman but she has a strength bout her that I can see and the life she is leading now I know she can pull herself out of and elevate herself to a higher level but I guess at the end of the day she has to want it before it happens but I think no matter what I'm glad I have met these people in my life I feel like I have a Purpose now and with everything else I'm doing in my life ATM couldn't ask for much more but anyways I'm signing out now I'll be back soon