Rescue me

You know sometimes I find it hard to breathe and I drown in my own sleep cause hate crashes over me in ways that even scare me. I miss my kids I miss them terribly I sometimes wonder how I make it from day to day, I look back to the past and at various things that have transpired and my mind casts me back to a time in October last year when I was locked away from the outside world because I was a danger to myself and everyone around me, that time period was one of the darkest places I've ever been to and I think back to what put me there, and the answer is simple........myself and all over the pain of loosing my son. I dont know why I do it cause to the outside world I seem tough as nails but inside I'm hurting and I'm hurting bad. Sometimes I wonder how fathers can turn their backs on their own flesh and blood cause I can't do it, no matter how much I try to let go I just can't do it but I am ok I have my moments when I look at my daughters photo on the main screen of my Facebook page, and through out my computer and all through my phone and all I do I weep inside, but I have found interests and other people who distract me enough to take my mind off the past in particular this one girl I've met, very different from anyone I've ever come across before. Cultured, intelligent and switched on. I've been spending a lot of time with her lately and it helps me a lot so I thank her deeply for that but as I'm aware all good things come to an end and I wonder what I will search for next in my life. This whole fire fighting thing I'm starting I'm hoping will fill a big void in my life, give me a sense of belonging and hope through helping others. You all think how sad is this talking bout this but I can't help it I have been the recipient of so much pain and heartache but I to have also caused so much too, I am no angel actually far from it. A good mate of mine today asked me if after my 2 years are over do I intend on returning back to that place I once called home and after a bit of thought I turn back to him and said no! That's a big call to say that but I don't know but something inside of me is compelling me to seek a higher calling to make good on all bad things done in the past. I knew my journey was not yet complete actually far from it. My new friend surprises me everyday and I can see myself staying near by as I value her friendship but I wonder if this place will be the place to settle down but continue my journey of learning and growth or will it take me to further reaches of this country or world, I like this girl a lot and who knows what will happen next, I know I certainly don't but until that day comes or if it will I hope someone will rescue me