Turning back time

If you have ever loved somebody put your hands up....................................... I once did a long long time ago, i had a woman in my life that i would of died for, stood in front of a train for her, taken a bullet for her swam across the oceans for her but as time has moved on i guess love just wasnt enough. I look back now and i ask myself if i could turn back time would i, change the course of how the story played out well my answer would be no, you might think what the hell but hear me out life will always throw curve balls at us and will always test us in ways that may always seem questionable but if it wasnt for the things that happened to me then who knows how i would of ended up or where i would be but i know for a fact where ever i would of ended up being it wouldnt been good. i guess what im saying is im pushing 30 now and yet somehow its only now things are becoming clear and making sense to me and in ways only i can see but for everyone else around me i can assure you its one hell of a ride. people, places and faces, you know how they show in movies that close to death people have flash backs of memorable parts in there past good or bad well thats what its been like for me everyday but i can tell you im not dying in fact i can say im only just starting to live, but these visions im having seem so real, as real as if i was reliving them again but i know im not but looking back at the last 10 yrs and with everything that has happened each flash back i have i see something different as if im seeing it through my eyes now and not the eyes of back then so i guess its a really good thing the way im looking at things now. Its only just to me just recently that my journey is still not over and my real test is still yet to come so there is still so much work to do, preparing for an uncertain future and for the day that one day i will return back to the place that nearly killed me but the next time i do negative feelings and emotions will be a thing of the past, i havnt given anyone a reason to believe in me by god i never believed in me but time will the true test and its a test im willing to take and pass. I still miss my little boy and girl but realitly has set in now it just isnt going to happen i will not be able to see my son graduate grade 2, i wont be there to teach my daughter to ride a bike, or be there to brush her hair or watch both of them grow into a young man and woman and ill tell you its thoughts like that, thats enough to push a man over the edge and it really is but im ok im just trying to get by and live out my jail sentence well you might as well call it that. At least my sentence wont be spent completely alone ive started to amass a really good support base around me over here and how amazing it is, i dont know if its just me or everyone else but since ive been here ive noticed just how friendly people are and how everyone is willing to help with anything they can but ill tell you something people havnt changed i have and its my change that people are seeing even people who dont know me but like i said its still a long way to go and so im where i belong as im putting my hands high im lifting the roof off of everywhere i go and im happy really happy im home .......................................................................................For now

one month on and counting in a new paradise

My how time flys when your having fun, not to say this trip has been all fun but it has been soothing to my soul ive been to so many places and seen so many people. Ive met new people and caught up with old faces and all of this has saved me and i thank everyone new and old in this journey for the fun times and the great times, casey, morgz and tay you guys have been awsome a true lift in my spirits without you 3 just in the last month i would have been a mess, and mother teresa you are a true god send thank you to all of you so much from the bottom of my heart. Neil mate without ur wisdom and guidence who knows what state i would of been in but i listened for a change and took on board what you said and now look at where i am soaring higher then ive ever flown before. I still hurt inside from the damage caused but its a lot more tolerable now and as time moves on the pain will fade and only distant memories will remain. Ive made a choice im working hard to pick myself up and become the man i once was and i will say to all of you out there he is coming back and he is coming back stronger then ever, to all the people behind the scenes who didnt get a mention in this dont dismay i havnt forgotten and never will its was all of you who believed me i will never be able to repay what has been given to me from all of you but thank you to all and for all of the new people on the scene who dont know anything bout any of this i thank you to its the new people in my life that have given me a sense of hope towards a brighter future. Ryanns back people and when the day comes i will return to reclaim the lost pieces of me watch out to those who stole from me next time round i wont back down

call me a doctor

i told the world one day i would pay it back
say it on tape and lay it, record it
so that one day i could play it back
but i dont even know if i would leave it when im saying that
ya'll start to creep in, everyday its so grey and black
hope i just need a ray of that
cause no one sees my vision when i play it for them
they just say its whack
they dont know what dope is
and i dont know if i was awake or asleep when i wrote this
all i know is you came to me when i was at my lowest
you picked me up, breeding life in me
i owe my life to you
before the life of me, i dont see why you dont see like i do
but it just dawned on me you lost a son
see this light in you, its dark, let me turn on the lights brighten me and lighten you
i dont think you realise what you mean to me
not the slightest clue cause you and me were like a crew
i was your side kick
you either going to wanna fight me when i finish writing this
or your going to wanna hug me
cause im not an option, theres nothing else i can do cause
im bout to loose my mind
youve been gone for so long
im running out of time
i need a doctor
call me a doctor
i need a doctor 'to bring me back to life

New horizions

Its a whole new world out there and i cant believe how quickly things have changed but something amazing has happened to me, Ive met someone but its not what you think, I wont go into to many details but this vibrant beautiful young woman came out of no where and now im finding myself intriguied and lost in every encounter i have i dont know why but i really like the woman. Now ive made some bad choices before in my life with the women i have choosen as partners and people who know me well will agree but im feeling things never felt before and i can say that and mean it and my thoughts are driving me insane but not because of that blonde bitch back in perth back because someone has stepped up to the plate and managed to take my mind to places i havnt been to in a long time, this is new and while its there i will make the most of it, but i am still guarded and who can blame me, but i wont let the past dictate my happiness for the future time is moving forward for a change and im moving with it no more sitting back letting some else dictate my destiny im in control now and its staying that way

Karma

Ive been thinking a lot lately about how to deal with past situations and if revenge is the answer or simply walking away is the best course of action. Dont get me wrong i am living my own life now which is something i always needed to without the control of someone else dictating every little move i make but my memories still remain, and i guess they always will its just how i choose to deal with those memories which will be the true key to my salvation. Ive always been blessed with a photographic memory but with this blessing has also brought a curse cause reliving bad memories day in day out is never healthy for anyone. So really what im trying to say is letting it go really the answer or going back to biblical times where eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth was everyday practise. I want to be a better man but something inside of me tells me a childs life is priceless so for that to be taken away so cruelly what is the comeback for that life to be stripped away by someone so selfish, what is the price for that? Karma is a bitch and i dare say a fair few of us have faced our demons at some piont in our life, and ill tell you what i have face a number of demons in my time for all the wrong things i have ever done and trust i have done wrong in so many walks of life, but i have faced up to my mistakes and i am making good on rectifying them as we speak. Im still confused though because even though my life is getting better i still have that unmistakable urge to right the wrongs and see to it that justice is served, but to see justice be served my way does that mean sacrificing my own soul to do it or let karma take over which is an almost certain thing. I know so many people have so many different views either way i understand to truely move forward in life then all anger and pain from the past must be let go and that is i guess a hard act to follow. Time will tell for me how things go i guess either way ive been mad and the kinda man that im not so time to grow up you might say, well i will agree i need to grow up and let go of a lot. My judgement day has come and gone and only i can see to it that i dont face that again. I know my back is well looked after but i need to do this on my own. Everything that has happened in the end will make me stronger and each day im getting stronger by the day and i believe letting go of any hurt or anger will see me through to a happier life. But i will say this karma is a bitch and it does have a way of sneaking up on people when they least expect it so if your out there karma hear my plea

simple pleasures

my god its the simple pleasures that we often miss the most. for me just being able to read a zoo mag is amazing, you see its not the tits and arse for me its the pub rants and new tech that i love reading and the true storys i really enjoy also but for me to be controlled the way i was and to have even the most basic of things taken away this kind of thing is a big deal for me. another thing ive missed for along time is the ability to be able to talk to mates and see them. Ive spent a great deal of time seeing my mates lately and i wonder to myself why was this so hard to let me have before, its not like i would of cheated or left her but yet in my darkest hour of need things were taken from me but i suppose there are reasons for everything and why it is done and i guess i will never know those reasons as i have so many questions to why things went the way they did. But if the answer does come one day i know today or tomorrow wont be that day i find my answers so i am moving forward and enjoying the way things have turned out so far, yes i miss my old life but as each day im away from that life the more and more i know that this is my life now or should i say for the time being, rest assured everyday im getting happier and healthier and thats all i wanted all along ..................................................................................