The day it all changed

Yesterday life changed, i learnt some things that completely turned my entire thought process around. Pretty amazing for something like that to happen and yet has it helped my journey forward any easier or has it complicated things even more. I now truely understand what makes me, me and why i have done the things i have done, and why i pushed the envelope further and further each day. The question i have always asked myself is why did i give the woman i loved with all my heart everything, and when i say everything i mean everything including my health and sanity. Now some people might say that doesnt make sense but i say i dont care because in my head it all makes sense and a large puzzle piece has fallen into place. So how do you label someone like me and what i do or did. People thought i was mad for going out of my way to do the things i did for dena, but i did and i did it because i wanted to be loved i wanted to be loved so badly i would sacrifice my own well being to ensure i felt it, and so the the answer came to me i realized why. Since an early age i have always wanted only two things ..... love and acceptance and i yet the person aho was meant to give it to me never did and so i grew through life forming complex thoughts and extremily confused mannerisms and so i became a man and as i moved away from home i went searching for the very things i wanted the most and thats when jodi came on to the scene. I turned my entire relationship into a search for what i missed my entire life and i looked for acceptance, so i gave my heart body and soul to what i believed was right but i learnt the hard way as it was not right. Do you think i learnt though .................Nope cause i repeated the same mistake with dena i and i looked for that same very thing i wanted and once again i never found it i gave my all but instead of recieving what i wanted and needed i was used, cheated and manipulated they took what i gave them and they kept taking and taking and taking some more. Was i asking for to much though, did i expect to much .......... maybe but i least i tried and now with the dust starting to settle on the latest mess i find myself out there again in the wide open world seeking answers seeking change but most importantly seeking happines.............................................................................................................

The beginning of the end

Its hard to say when everything turned bad, i know it started to end when i meet my last partner. Everything was great when i meet her love was in the air but the signs were there in the beginning that this would not last but i was to blind to see them then. There was no doubt in my mind she didnt love me or was it she loved the idea of loving me, who knows . I certainly dont but the signs i talk of really mean something now. You see i spent nearly 3 yrs alone after my last relationship as that ended in heartbreak so i decided to stay alone to repair the damage and work out where i went wrong to ensure i didnt do it again. Now people hear this all the time what works for one person doesnt always work for the other and that is true. I feel like a fool my friends warned me it would end in heartache but i believed inside it wouldnt but i guess i still had doubt. My ex partner was married when i first reconnected with her after many years of nothing and when i reconnected with her i never had any intentions of going there but after listening to her telling me her marriage was over while i was living on the other side of the country. Now that should of been enough for me to say no but i felt so bad for her and everything she told me bout how much her husband abused her and treated her like crap that the person i was inside all i wanted to do was help and so i did, i finished up with my affairs in QLD fighting for my son and headed back to WA resume my life i had left behind, but this time i had something different to return home to, i had a woman who was searching for the very thing i offered and wanted me. Now i was stoked i started to fall for this woman and believed that she wanted me for me and the decent life i could offer, but what i didnt realize that she went straight from her husband to me and that is a warning sign in itself and slowly i realized i could offer her something but it wasnt what i thought it would be. Money played a big part in what she wanted it offered a security for her and her kids that she never had before. But i was to screwed up and in love to realize this. History taught me with jodi that running from relationship to relationship although may be fun will always be destined to end and my new relationship was no different. You see even i though i had a chance to heal and grow from my last relationship she didnt and my own advice that i pass on to everyone else i didnt follow myself and its funny to see that without wasting any time after me she is on the lookout for the next victim. I do wish her and my daughter all the happiness in the world but Karma and history have a way of coming back no matter how much you try and deny it and in the end the kids will suffer just like last time and the time before and as a father that is something i struggle to deal with. In time things will subside and so forth but my mind will always linger any of you out there who can do it for me please keep an eye on my little princess and keep her safe i know its my job but i have failed and can not do it at this point in time i do not need to know whats going on unless her life is in danger but she needs to be protected

2 taboo

Another topic of hot discussion is mental illness, now from where im standing ive seen a lot of people fall from this problem including myself. But what causes this problem, why does it affect so many people. I search far and wide for the answers and i have yet to discover why. In my case i wonder what started my desent into darkness, was it because i truely have something wrong with me as my ex tried so hard to label me with me, or is the issue a lot more complex then some people realize. Back in the day i used to be happy not a care in the world, i never used to struggle day to day or find it hard to cope in everyday life. As i got older and i started to have kids of my own things started to change, now its not my kids that made me start become depressed in fact it was the complete oppisite they lifted me to new hights they taught me how to love in ways i have never loved before and i learnt the true meaning of giving everything i have heart body and soul to protect them. But i made a mistake somewhere down the line with everything inside of me i gave to my kids and the woman i loved but i neglected myself and i allowed myself to sink myself into a hole. Why i did that i do not know i guess my biggest problem is that i care to much. Because i let myself go so badly i affected everyone around me, my children but most of all the woman i loved and as a result my ex and i turned on each other and i a bad way, i couldnt control why i was becoming depressed and she couldnt cope with me and the way i turned. So what is the reason i became depressed? Well lets see Have you ever loved someone so much you give them your all, not expression literally given them your all for when you know they are your heart and you are their armour and you will destroy anyone that will try to harm her, but then karma turned around and bite me and everthing i stood for turned on me despite me. My kids were used against me, they were used to control me, used to make me conform to and order i was not ready to follow i was pushed around and controlled by a woman that wanted me all to herself did want me to have friends didnt want me to have a life didnt want me to do anything. As my depression set in i needed my friends as she couldnt help me the way i needed and that killed me inside so i guess can you understand how it went so bad between us. It got to a point that i had no other choice i had to turn on her or leave her. I didnt want to leave her i loved her with all my heart but i wasnt going to turn on her i just couldnt do it, so i tried to leave not to hurt her but to heal inside but as each time i tried to leave my kids were used against me they were used to dictate what i did and where i went and because i loved them so much i let it happen i kept coming back even though i was falling apart and hurting them more and more as each day renewed until now it got to such a point that it was do or die and i refused to die i just couldnt by my ex couldnt understand and she thought i was punishing her so she punished me she took my kids off me and i became a monster i became the very thing i have tried to keep at bay my entire life so i ask this question if i managed to keep my sickness at bay would things be different or would they still be the same. Understanding and trust is the key to helping someone who needs help and im not afraid to admit i needed help but its to late now the damage is done but i live and that is most important i will live for my kids i will live for my friends but most importantly i will for myself and i will not allow myself to fall into an abyss again i will come back to my kingdom a happy healthy  man and reclaim what i have lost

mining wage on a council mans job

If i died tomorrow would my memories fade away, i cant remember have i said all i can say. Today my journey took me to all corners of the new valley and i got to spend the day with a very good friend of mine, and like usual i can always rely on my friends wise words to put everything in perspective. Have you ever heard the saying nigger rich? now im not being rascist but it is a saying. It means that you may have the money to buy a really expensive car but not have the money to put the fuel in or so the analigy goes but more so its you live day to day pay check to pay check, you have really nice things but your always broke. Well thats me nigger rich now thinking about he was so right, he also gave me more wise words of wisdom. they are always happy with the mining wage but expect a council mans job, Now i dont mean to put any females offside but i can say for sure both women i have had in my life fit that saying both females had no dramas spending every cent i made on what ever they wanted but couldnt handle the job i had to do to get it. Sad isnt it, credit cards, house loans, car loans you name it. Just kept on coming just like they wanted day in day out all they had to do was ask. I went over board with the last ex i went all out with her, now why did i do it ? maybe my insecurities got the better of me and i thought i wasnt good for anything else and she certainly didnt make me believe anything else. I dont know where i would be without my mate in my life he has such a way of putting things in such a way that no matter which way you look at it you know he speaks the truth how many of you out there have been in the same boat?

25 to life

I dont think she understands the sacrifices that i made
Maybe if this bitch had acted right i would of stayed
But ive already wasted over half my life
I would of laid down and died for you
I no longer cry for you No more pain bitch
You took me for granted Took my heart and ran it straight into the planet
Into the dirt i can no longer stand it
Now my respect i demand it imma take control of this relationship
Command it and im going to be the boss of you now goddammit
And what i mean is i will no longer let you control me
So you better hear me out this much you owe me
I gave up my life for you totally devoted to you why i stayed
Faithful all the way this how i get fucking repaid
Look at how i dress fucking baggy sweats go to work a mess
Always in a rush to get back to you i aint even heard you yet
Not even once say you appreciate me i deserve respect
Ive done my best to give you nothing less then perfectness
And i know that if i end this i will no longer have nothing left
But you keep treating me like a staircase its time to fucking step
And i wont be coming back so dont hold your fucking breath
You know what youve done no need to go in depth
I told you you'd be sorry if i fucking left i laughed while you wept
Hows it feel now ? yeah funny aint it you neglected me did me a favor
let all my spirit free you've said got special place in heart for you in my heart
that i have kept its unfortunate but its like
when i bend over backwards for you all you do is laugh
Cuz that aint good enough you  expect me to fold myself in half till i snap
Dont think im loyal all i do is work how can i moonlight on the side
i have no life outside of that dont i give you enough of my time
You dont think so do you jealous when i spend time with friends
Why im married to you still man i dont know but tonight im serving you
With papers im divorcing you go marry someone else and make them famous
And take away their freedom like you did to me
Treat em like you dont need them and they aint worthy of you
Feed em the same shit that you made me eat im moving on forget you
Oh now im special i didnt feel special while i was with you
All i felt was this helplessness imprsioned by a selfish bitch
Chew me out and spit me out i fell for this so many times
Its ridiculousand still i stick with this, im sick of this
And addiction your addictive as they get evil as they come
Vindictive as they make them my friends keep asking me
Why i cant just walk away from im addicted to the pain the stress
The drama im drawn to shit so i guess im a mess
Cursed and blessed but this time i aint changing my mind
Im climbing out the abyss your screaming as i walk out that ill be missed
But when you spoke of people who meant the most to you
You left me off your list fuck you dena im leaving you
My life sentence has been served bitch

tough choices

Here i am again, suprising isnt it ? 10 years ago i was barely 19 and without a care in the world i packed up and moved to a little gold mining town called Kalgoorlie. With only $170 to my name, no car, no job and not knowing anyone i went on a whim and went to the town that promises a job, but thats only relying on word of mouth. So i jumped on the prospector and headed to kal and the first thing i did was go to cash mart to buy a $30 push bike, my only method of transport. Then i went to the gold miners caravan park and got a single man quaters no bigger then a shoe box so to speak for $90 and only leaving $50 for food and ill tell you what living off chips and bread for a week aint to healthy for ya but it worked. The next day i headed out on my little push bike and travelled kalgoorlie top to bottom in search of a job and low and behold within 2 days i managed to score a high paying job and with that job they also paid my accommodation and meals in the town of kal, and to top that off i forged friendships with people that have lasted for 10 years and the rest so to speak is history........ or is it. Fast forward 10 years and strangely here i am again the only difference is i have a little bit more money and i have a car but i still not know anyone, and its still in a forgien town but the biggest difference is its on the other side of the country and ive left behind 2 beautiful children. Now people may ask why? Well you see i was so in love with this woman but it fell apart and turned into something that spiralled out of control, and i did things that i wished i hadnt done, and she did things im sure she wished she didnt do but it got to a stage that it was do or die, and i was dying inside with this woman, it wasnt all her doing but she was a large part of it and i made a choice and that was i wanted to live. Now dont get me wrong i love my children more then life itself but my hand has been forced in a way that i was sure to be dead or in jail and i didnt want to take that path in life. And so here i am pretty much in the same position as i was 10 years ago. Is this decision going to bite me in the arse? who knows either way it wasnt working where i was and when you love someone the way i did and already dying inside that nearly finished me off. But i guess destiny has a much larger role for me to play i guess time will tell

no more

well today my journey took me one step closer to complete freedom, even though to some people ive had it for a little while now, its only now that i truly feel at peace and in a happier place within myself. Now dont get me wrong i still have a long way to go to erase the last nearly 10 yrs of bullshit and heartache but ive taken the right steps forward to ensure i can deal with it and be more at peace. For the 1st time i look to the future with hope and inner peace and my friends that makes me a happy person. I know there is still a bumpy ride ahead but at least i will be in control this time instead of having someone else pulling the strings. Ive never understood why people need to control other people and i guess i never will know but i have learnt my lesson in life so far up until now and with many more lessons still to learn i know that i will never follow the path of darkness again, and ill be damn sure no one else will help put me there again its 11:24 eastern standard time and im signing out stay strong people :)

very taboo

domestic violence is a very touchy subject these days, you have many people sitting on various sides of the fence. Me personally i have been against violence with women for a very long time but after being with my last partner my veiw that i have had for the most part of my life changed quite considerably now dont get me wrong as im not trying to start a debate but the topic is not as black and white as some people might think. Yes violence against women is wrong but sometimes some things become so bad in a relationship that the lines between right and wrong are blurred.Hell my ex partners father used to beat the fuck out of her mother on such a regular occasion that he actually knocked her out, but as my ex discovered later on it wasnt always as simple as her father beating her mother, she learnt that some of the things her mother did not help and even made the situation so bad that the only way her father could stop the mental anguish his wife caused him that beating her up was the only solution. Now me to have been accused of being a woman beater and yet i have never hit a woman before in my life, no dont get me wrong i have been tempted ive been pushed over the limit so badly that i have really wanted to just knock her out but i never did. I have grabbed her though and i have grabbed her hard not to hurt her or to abuse her but to get it through her head back off or im going to snap. Now as people who know me they know i havnt been very well lately ive been very depressed and not coping well with life even so much so that i thought suicide was the only way out. Now that is fucked how weak is it to think like that but yes i did i was fucked up and dead inside but with everything inside of me i have realized the path i was taking was killing me and killing the woman i loved. Now im still against violence angainst women but before i judge in the future i will make sure i learn the truth before i judge because i have lived the life of the accused before when i know that i never did or ever will and that is the real truth its not the 70"s anymore the world is a much different place the good guys look like the bad guys and the bad guys can look like any one at all

new days

heading for the next border tomorrow, still unsure of my final destination but as long as its far far away then im happy. its been an experience and a half so far, i went to a pub last nite in the valley and i was so happy and carefree it was unbelievable and yet i think this is not my life this is not what i should be doing but strangely enough it is what im doing and i will keep doing it state to state town to town seeing whats out there and rebuilding a life that was taken away from me

moving on

a couple nights ago i met this beautiful woman, friendly and a blast to be around. i havnt been around anyone like that for a long time and i started to feel again ? Now dont get me wrong i didnt fall in love with this woman but for the first time in a long time i felt my heart beat. Should i feel guilty ? I dont think so my life needs to feel those feelings again, i felt them with the last woman i was with but the constant control turned me away i hope the best for her in her new future where ever it may take her i really do but it my time to become whole again i need to become whole

a day in the valley

today i reached the valley on the road to a new beggining, a new life i didnt really want but a life i have no other choice to accept. you see  i had this woman i loved with all my heart but then i started acting in ways she couldnt handle and when she couldnt handle it then i couldnt handle it so i lost it and i lost it in such a way it destroyed the very fabric of everything i hold dear, but everything always happens for a reason and that what destiny is so i am off to find out who i am. and why i am and why i do things i never intended to hurt the ones i love but i knew it was the only way i could do what i needed to do to heal. i died inside and everything around my died with me. Im walking a loney road on a journey far far away, my heart is broken but i will live and i will in such a way for when i return i will be the man i once was as i have become someone i hate and everytime i look in the mirror i despise what i see. I am strong always have been but not at the moment im going to rebuild what has been lost and i will rebuild bigger and better im just thankful i now have the chance to heal i was never allowed to heal not my way anyway im just sorry she had to witness it 1st hand its 1:52 south australian time and im signing out

a new beginning

its 12:32 am and i cant sleep, i wonder why. so much stuff running through my head, the woman i loved my 2 beautiful children and my totally awseome friends. today at 10 am the next part of my journey begins and yes im an scared shitless. a whole new world is waiting for me to discover it and im about to embark on a journey of self discovery and spiritual healing. To my friends cass and katie i love you both dearly with out you in my life for the last 10 years i would of been lost, your both true friends to me and i will always hold a special place in my heart for both of you. But sadly soon i will have to leave both of you as i have left everyone else to find out where that person you met so long ago has gone. I will always be around either by phone or facebook and if you ever need me just call and i will come to help, the journey is nearly under way and its time to move forward and rebuild thank you to all of you out there couldnt do it with out you time for me to sign out but i will be back to share my new life with everyone

a day to remember

I never knew the day would come, the day where i would have to make a choice. A choice to live or die, I loved her with all my heart but she was killing me inside i was slowly becoming a man that i didnt want to become. I hated myself everyday for it and now it is all over and i have walked out on everything i hold dear in my life. awaits me is another path a path of uncertainty but a path i will see to that only i control how the pages are written, i forge my own destiny i love my kids more then life itself and i will return one day to reclaim what is also my given rite