one month on and counting in a new paradise

My how time flys when your having fun, not to say this trip has been all fun but it has been soothing to my soul ive been to so many places and seen so many people. Ive met new people and caught up with old faces and all of this has saved me and i thank everyone new and old in this journey for the fun times and the great times, casey, morgz and tay you guys have been awsome a true lift in my spirits without you 3 just in the last month i would have been a mess, and mother teresa you are a true god send thank you to all of you so much from the bottom of my heart. Neil mate without ur wisdom and guidence who knows what state i would of been in but i listened for a change and took on board what you said and now look at where i am soaring higher then ive ever flown before. I still hurt inside from the damage caused but its a lot more tolerable now and as time moves on the pain will fade and only distant memories will remain. Ive made a choice im working hard to pick myself up and become the man i once was and i will say to all of you out there he is coming back and he is coming back stronger then ever, to all the people behind the scenes who didnt get a mention in this dont dismay i havnt forgotten and never will its was all of you who believed me i will never be able to repay what has been given to me from all of you but thank you to all and for all of the new people on the scene who dont know anything bout any of this i thank you to its the new people in my life that have given me a sense of hope towards a brighter future. Ryanns back people and when the day comes i will return to reclaim the lost pieces of me watch out to those who stole from me next time round i wont back down

call me a doctor

i told the world one day i would pay it back
say it on tape and lay it, record it
so that one day i could play it back
but i dont even know if i would leave it when im saying that
ya'll start to creep in, everyday its so grey and black
hope i just need a ray of that
cause no one sees my vision when i play it for them
they just say its whack
they dont know what dope is
and i dont know if i was awake or asleep when i wrote this
all i know is you came to me when i was at my lowest
you picked me up, breeding life in me
i owe my life to you
before the life of me, i dont see why you dont see like i do
but it just dawned on me you lost a son
see this light in you, its dark, let me turn on the lights brighten me and lighten you
i dont think you realise what you mean to me
not the slightest clue cause you and me were like a crew
i was your side kick
you either going to wanna fight me when i finish writing this
or your going to wanna hug me
cause im not an option, theres nothing else i can do cause
im bout to loose my mind
youve been gone for so long
im running out of time
i need a doctor
call me a doctor
i need a doctor 'to bring me back to life

New horizions

Its a whole new world out there and i cant believe how quickly things have changed but something amazing has happened to me, Ive met someone but its not what you think, I wont go into to many details but this vibrant beautiful young woman came out of no where and now im finding myself intriguied and lost in every encounter i have i dont know why but i really like the woman. Now ive made some bad choices before in my life with the women i have choosen as partners and people who know me well will agree but im feeling things never felt before and i can say that and mean it and my thoughts are driving me insane but not because of that blonde bitch back in perth back because someone has stepped up to the plate and managed to take my mind to places i havnt been to in a long time, this is new and while its there i will make the most of it, but i am still guarded and who can blame me, but i wont let the past dictate my happiness for the future time is moving forward for a change and im moving with it no more sitting back letting some else dictate my destiny im in control now and its staying that way

Karma

Ive been thinking a lot lately about how to deal with past situations and if revenge is the answer or simply walking away is the best course of action. Dont get me wrong i am living my own life now which is something i always needed to without the control of someone else dictating every little move i make but my memories still remain, and i guess they always will its just how i choose to deal with those memories which will be the true key to my salvation. Ive always been blessed with a photographic memory but with this blessing has also brought a curse cause reliving bad memories day in day out is never healthy for anyone. So really what im trying to say is letting it go really the answer or going back to biblical times where eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth was everyday practise. I want to be a better man but something inside of me tells me a childs life is priceless so for that to be taken away so cruelly what is the comeback for that life to be stripped away by someone so selfish, what is the price for that? Karma is a bitch and i dare say a fair few of us have faced our demons at some piont in our life, and ill tell you what i have face a number of demons in my time for all the wrong things i have ever done and trust i have done wrong in so many walks of life, but i have faced up to my mistakes and i am making good on rectifying them as we speak. Im still confused though because even though my life is getting better i still have that unmistakable urge to right the wrongs and see to it that justice is served, but to see justice be served my way does that mean sacrificing my own soul to do it or let karma take over which is an almost certain thing. I know so many people have so many different views either way i understand to truely move forward in life then all anger and pain from the past must be let go and that is i guess a hard act to follow. Time will tell for me how things go i guess either way ive been mad and the kinda man that im not so time to grow up you might say, well i will agree i need to grow up and let go of a lot. My judgement day has come and gone and only i can see to it that i dont face that again. I know my back is well looked after but i need to do this on my own. Everything that has happened in the end will make me stronger and each day im getting stronger by the day and i believe letting go of any hurt or anger will see me through to a happier life. But i will say this karma is a bitch and it does have a way of sneaking up on people when they least expect it so if your out there karma hear my plea

simple pleasures

my god its the simple pleasures that we often miss the most. for me just being able to read a zoo mag is amazing, you see its not the tits and arse for me its the pub rants and new tech that i love reading and the true storys i really enjoy also but for me to be controlled the way i was and to have even the most basic of things taken away this kind of thing is a big deal for me. another thing ive missed for along time is the ability to be able to talk to mates and see them. Ive spent a great deal of time seeing my mates lately and i wonder to myself why was this so hard to let me have before, its not like i would of cheated or left her but yet in my darkest hour of need things were taken from me but i suppose there are reasons for everything and why it is done and i guess i will never know those reasons as i have so many questions to why things went the way they did. But if the answer does come one day i know today or tomorrow wont be that day i find my answers so i am moving forward and enjoying the way things have turned out so far, yes i miss my old life but as each day im away from that life the more and more i know that this is my life now or should i say for the time being, rest assured everyday im getting happier and healthier and thats all i wanted all along ..................................................................................

The day it all changed

Yesterday life changed, i learnt some things that completely turned my entire thought process around. Pretty amazing for something like that to happen and yet has it helped my journey forward any easier or has it complicated things even more. I now truely understand what makes me, me and why i have done the things i have done, and why i pushed the envelope further and further each day. The question i have always asked myself is why did i give the woman i loved with all my heart everything, and when i say everything i mean everything including my health and sanity. Now some people might say that doesnt make sense but i say i dont care because in my head it all makes sense and a large puzzle piece has fallen into place. So how do you label someone like me and what i do or did. People thought i was mad for going out of my way to do the things i did for dena, but i did and i did it because i wanted to be loved i wanted to be loved so badly i would sacrifice my own well being to ensure i felt it, and so the the answer came to me i realized why. Since an early age i have always wanted only two things ..... love and acceptance and i yet the person aho was meant to give it to me never did and so i grew through life forming complex thoughts and extremily confused mannerisms and so i became a man and as i moved away from home i went searching for the very things i wanted the most and thats when jodi came on to the scene. I turned my entire relationship into a search for what i missed my entire life and i looked for acceptance, so i gave my heart body and soul to what i believed was right but i learnt the hard way as it was not right. Do you think i learnt though .................Nope cause i repeated the same mistake with dena i and i looked for that same very thing i wanted and once again i never found it i gave my all but instead of recieving what i wanted and needed i was used, cheated and manipulated they took what i gave them and they kept taking and taking and taking some more. Was i asking for to much though, did i expect to much .......... maybe but i least i tried and now with the dust starting to settle on the latest mess i find myself out there again in the wide open world seeking answers seeking change but most importantly seeking happines.............................................................................................................

The beginning of the end

Its hard to say when everything turned bad, i know it started to end when i meet my last partner. Everything was great when i meet her love was in the air but the signs were there in the beginning that this would not last but i was to blind to see them then. There was no doubt in my mind she didnt love me or was it she loved the idea of loving me, who knows . I certainly dont but the signs i talk of really mean something now. You see i spent nearly 3 yrs alone after my last relationship as that ended in heartbreak so i decided to stay alone to repair the damage and work out where i went wrong to ensure i didnt do it again. Now people hear this all the time what works for one person doesnt always work for the other and that is true. I feel like a fool my friends warned me it would end in heartache but i believed inside it wouldnt but i guess i still had doubt. My ex partner was married when i first reconnected with her after many years of nothing and when i reconnected with her i never had any intentions of going there but after listening to her telling me her marriage was over while i was living on the other side of the country. Now that should of been enough for me to say no but i felt so bad for her and everything she told me bout how much her husband abused her and treated her like crap that the person i was inside all i wanted to do was help and so i did, i finished up with my affairs in QLD fighting for my son and headed back to WA resume my life i had left behind, but this time i had something different to return home to, i had a woman who was searching for the very thing i offered and wanted me. Now i was stoked i started to fall for this woman and believed that she wanted me for me and the decent life i could offer, but what i didnt realize that she went straight from her husband to me and that is a warning sign in itself and slowly i realized i could offer her something but it wasnt what i thought it would be. Money played a big part in what she wanted it offered a security for her and her kids that she never had before. But i was to screwed up and in love to realize this. History taught me with jodi that running from relationship to relationship although may be fun will always be destined to end and my new relationship was no different. You see even i though i had a chance to heal and grow from my last relationship she didnt and my own advice that i pass on to everyone else i didnt follow myself and its funny to see that without wasting any time after me she is on the lookout for the next victim. I do wish her and my daughter all the happiness in the world but Karma and history have a way of coming back no matter how much you try and deny it and in the end the kids will suffer just like last time and the time before and as a father that is something i struggle to deal with. In time things will subside and so forth but my mind will always linger any of you out there who can do it for me please keep an eye on my little princess and keep her safe i know its my job but i have failed and can not do it at this point in time i do not need to know whats going on unless her life is in danger but she needs to be protected